I just smoked a cigarette. I always vape or use nicotine pouches just because they don't taste as bad. But cigarettes have a specific taste and feeling that I will always remember. I started out with cigarettes. Well, I had some disposable vapes, but I always returned to cigarettes if I could since they hit harder for me. They still do, but they remind me of that entire period of my life. I started smoking them in 2022, right after I broke up with my first partner. I'm not thinking about them, but I do remember why I started. I felt lost and sad, so I turned to them to try and ease the pain. Then, a few months later, I was going through more relationship trauma. Sitting outside a hotel smoking a cigarette, hoping that the pain I felt in that moment would soon ease. It was too much though, my heart was already telling me it was too late, but my head wouldn't listen. I would chain-smoke whenever I could during a rough mental episode. From early 2022 to late 2023, I smoked cigarettes. It was only until October 2023 when I had a scare with my digestive system where I fully switched to vaping, as well as eating before I smoke / vape. Since early 2024, I have been vaping ever since. Only on nights out have I smoked cigarettes. And those nights out are really nice, I love them. I would go out with Kira and her friends, drink, have a laugh and it was great. But smoking cigarettes, I guess at the time I was either too drunk or whatever to care. But I know that the taste of it, the smell of it, and the lingering stench that sits on your fingers for hours after you've threw it away, it lingers, and it reminds me of all those times where I struggled. Maybe it's a good thing. After smoking that one cigarette just now, I became insightful. Though I did have a very brief few seconds while standing outside smoking it where I felt like my life was not worth much. I don't know why I felt that. I think I was just thinking about everything bad that happened, because the smell reminded me. But I always remember that it has made me resilient. It had taught me valuable lessons. It's shown me that I can actually go through the worst things and come out alive. I always used to think that the mental trauma I've been through was just normal, and it was a part of relationships, it was a part of growing up. But people have told me how awful it was. I thought it was awful, but they tell me that it's beyond awful. I mean I knew it was bad, but still I thought many people do go through manipulative people. People who will lie to you for months, people who will be so mentally confusing that it consumes all of your days. Kira helped me realise how much of an anomaly I am in this. After I told her some of the things I'd been through, she was shocked. But anyway, I don't dwell on it. I rarely smoke cigarettes anyway and I don't intend to unless I'm out drinking. And when I'm out drinking, I'll probably be too drunk to care.
Anyway, to anyone reading this, I am good. I'm actually working on a cool cinematic track for my album, an intro. This is why I smoked the cigarette because I needed a sound effect of someone lighting a cigarette.