I don't have a whole lot to say today, other than it's 23:50 and I need to go to bed. I think the anxiety of passing has started to subside now. I spent an unreasonable amount of time working on these two new tracks that I want for this new album, but I don't really know where to go from here. Make more? Or work on them until I like them more? I will figure that out sooner or later I guess.
I also need to work on my book. I really really want to finish it, but I need to do the boring part of sitting through it and annotating + refreshing the whole story in my head. It's been so long since I wrote a lot of the book. Mind you, the most recent chapters are my favourite so far. Rereading my old chapters I just cringe at how laughably bad some of the lines and paragraphs are. But yes, this is the boring part. I really CANNOT afford to just throw this story out the window. I'm over 40,000 words in at this point and it would seriously upset me if I just gave up completely. I haven't lost hope, I think I'm just realising how much damn work there is to do and I keep putting it off, but the good thing is that I never say to myself "I will never finish it", because I know for a fact that I do want it complete and I will eventually.
I think I've held myself to an unreasonably high standard though. It's a psychological horror, deep drama and rooted in malice, washing over sensitive and traumatic topics with a lot of character development and depth. I sometimes think to myself if I've bitten off more than I can chew with this book. But no, I haven't. I just don't want to make something forgettable. I always wanted to write a story that was deep and layered and that people would actually remember, so that's what I'm doing. The main character has never left my head, I wrote a paragraph a few weeks ago as if she was sitting waiting for me to write the book again. Basically saying stuff like "Where the fuck did you go?" and things like that, just a rant from her perspective. And it sounds exactly like how I imagined she'd react, so I can still write how the protagonist thinks which is good. It means that when I do go back to writing I will be able to jump right back in, I just need to recite the story so I don't miss anything which is LONG.